thanks: part iii

Three more things I am thankful for:

13. Wine. Because why not?

14. Honesty. Because it's better for my soul.

15. Risks. Because that's what life entails. 

thanks: part ii

I am a bit behind on this thankfulness project so today I will write out nine things for which I am grateful:

4. Books. I have one tall bookshelf in my room completely stocked, books on my desk, and books stacked and scattered on my nightstand. My house has so many books because my mom and I share a love for reading. My mom is a big inspiration behind why I read historical fiction. She and my dad both have great stories.

5. Classical music. I know I said music in my last post but since I was on the subject of my mom, I must also mention that she is the inspiration behind why I love and listen to classical music. At an early age all of the Krajan kids studied classical piano and for many years. When I was young and not in school I would accompany my mom as she would run errands around town. Every time we got in the van the radio was tuned to NPR and our afternoon car rides were filled with orchestral sounds. Even now when I set my Pandora to Chopin radio I immediately think of my mother and get the feels. Thanks, Mom!

6. Piano. My first instrument, my therapy, my love and for a while, my hate.

7. Swimming. Another love-hate relationship but I have come to love it more now that I am not swimming competitively. I can let my mind wander when I am in the water but it also takes control.  

8. Travel. I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to travel around with my family and friends, but also independently all throughout college. A missions trip to Belize, a summer vacationing in Greece and Vietnam, another summer spent teaching English in Hong Kong and exploring Cambodia, and living in China for a year? I would never take any of those experiences back. I have learned so much, met so many amazing people and have grown from travel.

9. Coffee. I like that taste and I like that it's my job currently. I like the idea and the act of drinking it and I like making it.

10. Bicycles. Running, swimming - they don't compare to the freedom of riding a bike and going 35-40 mph down a hill.

11. Math lovers and nerds. I honestly have always struggled with math but still managed to be placed in the upper-level and advanced math courses. I did those gifted after school math programs and JETS physics competitions but I hate math. I don't know. That's why I majored in a liberal arts degree - no math necessary. But I appreciate people who do love math because they make the world go round and I truly respect those who get it.

12. Holy Spirit. Jesus Christ. God the Father. I am thankful for the Trinity and for my purpose of life. I am thankful for love, beauty and grace.

Thanks

I'm too alone in the world, yet not alone enough 
to make each hour holy. 
I'm too small in the world, yet not small enough
to be simply in your presence, like a thing -
just as it is.

I want to know my own will
and to move with it.
And I want, in the hushed moments
when the nameless draws near,
to be among the wise ones - 
or alone. 

from Rilke, I, 13

This blog is so sporadic, I'm questioning the relevance it actually holds. No, I know the answer to that already but I'll keep on writing if only for myself. So my dear Sister and friend Emily Dao (click on her name to check out her blog) has nominated me for this "gratitude challenge". I suppose this is where I tell social media and all of cyber world three things I am thankful for over the next five days. Here it goes:

1. Music. For the creation of sound that elicit emotions and memories; for it's ability to bring one spiritually deeper, for the way it moves. For the blessing that I am able to make a sound of my own.

2. Autumn. I was born in the middle of October so naturally my heart desires the cool, crisp aroma of fall. The smells are sweeter, the air more breathable, the colors vibrant and captivating. Fall is the reminder that change must occur, that everything must come to an end but it can in the most beautiful way.

3. Grace. Because I can not be thankful enough for redemption; unrelenting forgiveness. Because I need grace every day and need to give grace always.

I guess this means I have to continuous this tomorrow.

here

Here, in my repository of unlived things

Lay visions and dreams that have yet to breathe

For the soul is a place of holding, release

All that is and has yet to be

I write not for approval, not for the hope of affirmation that my words carry weight or any meaning. Rather, I write for the simple joy it brings; for the clarity is bestows upon a clouded heart, a confused mind.

Tonight has been good, good for my spirit, for my soul. I’m thankful for the realization that I have, in fact, been dishonest with myself. Sometimes it takes loneliness and then a friend to evoke the feelings that lay in these bones. But I have been lying to myself. I am not okay with this mere act of breathing, living life with so much unknowing. I thought I found peace in settling here (and I did, for a brief moment) only to find that I am restless and yearn for so, so much more. I can’t help but admonish myself for my own thoughts. Stupid. I feel like I have been so stupid. Of course, I want more! Of course, I need to be free, not confined to an image or idea that I will be happy if I do this or if I hold onto that responsibility. 

The fireflies tonight were phenomenal. Driving through twisted back roads and fields of countryside I saw a million little lights, a million small reminders of beauty. Even though these tiny illuminations were fleeting they are so existent and so very much alive.

The other night I rode my bike in and through the dark, back home from the city and it was the most peace I had felt all day. In solitude, in revelry of stars lighting the black, oil sky, I could breathe again.

We live by night

To see the stars

To grasp the dark

And claim what’s ours

And now, looking back at these short verses I wrote that night I want to change “grasp” to “embrace”. A grasp is so momentary, so sure of the promise of letting go. An embrace seems so much more lasting, even if it ends. In time there comes an ending and it comes to all things. I want to know where my beginnings are but I have been learning so much about endings, about losses and how, I do need to grieve them and allow them to be for what they are. And I am in a beautiful place, an uncharted yet safe place to live freely, courageously and without reserve.

I am guided by a Light, maybe even a Pillar, and a Wandering Cloud.

LA Public Library, 2011. I'll be here so very soon. 

of loss and surrender

yet i, being weak, still hold fast to all that must be let go
loosen this grasp that holds too tightly to what is worth losing
for to see you i must stop searching
to feel you i must start surrendering

i am stuck somewhere inside myself.

Xia Xi, Yunnan, China (January 2013)

grandma

A poem I wrote about my grandmother a couple years ago when the theme of family in Vietnam kept appearing and reappearing in writing. I added more to it just a couple days ago:

Ba noi

I remember when

you would feed me avocados

and rub my back when the pain

was too much to bear

I miss the nights when

you would sit up in your bed

and breathe prayers that were quiet

but I could still hear you

through the boards and

paper thin walls of the house

I still think of the evening

when you wouldn't sleep

because upon my pilgrimage to your home

for the first time, your grandchildren

sat together under the same roof

even after years of unknowing

years of the absence of love

and existence of kin

Upon my leaving

we sat together in the living room

you, me, and the entire village

and I wept

for love could not have radiated

any more than when we prayed

on a grey, rainy afternoon

And though you slept

the night that would be your last

not knowing it would be an endless sleep

the stroke may have taken your body

silently, quietly in slumber

yet it never took your soul 

Summit Grove Camp 2014

"You shine like a million suns ablaze, 

wrapped in eternal light and praise, 

Jesus the First, the Last, the Bright and Morning Star" 

Another year of camp has come and gone. It's hard to believe the last time I attended camp was two years ago and already it's over! However, I was so blessed by everyone that came out and I know the Spirit was at work. It was so evident from praise, to group devotions, to late night talks and just overall goofing off. Thank you, group 8, for being such a fantastic group to work with and lead. You guys certainly made my job easy as a leader this year and thank you, Khai, Mark, and Joan for being amazing co-leaders. It still ceases to amaze me the maturity of some of you kids still in high school. You all were so willing to open up and share such relevant thoughts! Praise God for such an incredible time, as exhausted as we all were by the end of it!

I'm still processing everything that happened this weekend. I know I found myself distracted by a lot of things outside of camp so I'm praying through that too. Below are some photos I was able to take thanks to Mark and his Canon Rebel. I'm happy I got to get back into my little photography hobby that I departed from a bit ago. I'm so ready to get back into it!

how rare and beautiful

I can sense a change in the winds, an unsteadiness in my heart, and a sail headed towards a new course. I've been finding myself lost in my own thoughts more and more these days. I've become more absorbed into myself even with friends, even when surrounded by people. Maybe I'm just tired.
Decisions are being made. Things seem like they are falling into place. I find myself longing to be on the coast, in the woods, in the mountains. I feel the sweetness of being alone in solitude, the goodness of self-exploration. I feel a desire to leave this place, to leave home and start anew. Yet there is still part of me that is drawn to what is known, to what is comfort and comfortable. There is still all of me drawn to the people here, their love, the community, their company. I want joy. I want peace. But I need change. My eyes long to set themselves on something new even if for a little while. I want to be meaningful. Wherever I may be I want to be utilized to my utmost potential. I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to feel valued. I want to give heart and soul.

I'd give anything to hear you say it one more time
That the universe was made just to be seen by my eyes
- Saturn, Sleeping At Last 

Nostalgia

I have been so obviously nostalgic these days. As of the last couple of weeks I've closed out the option of moving back to China within this year. And that's okay. I've felt more peace with this decision than when I was trying to head out there, creating deadlines for myself, pressuring myself to feel like I need to have it all together by the end of 2014. However, I do still miss that season of life.

With the weather progressively getting warmer, I am reminded of the weather in Nanchang. Early mornings here remind me of when I used to wake up early at 6am or 7am to study Chinese, walk down to the wet market for fresh produce, or buy bao zi for breakfast. The sun is warming the asphalt earlier and earlier and the smells are similar to what I used to experience in Asia. These days the rain reminds me Nanchang and the wet season and monsoon like weather too. Certain songs I listen to now take me back to my time living in Shanghai and the feels I got when I listened to them then. It's funny how I think of life in pre-China and post-China time now. That's something my sister and I discussed when came home last year. She sees life in pre-Greece and post-Greece (she lived there with her husband for two years before moving back to New York City). I wonder if my other sister, Emilie will see her life in a pre-Bahrain, post-Bahrain timeline. Heh, we Krajans sure do love adventure.

But here's to new adventures and new beginnings, new endings and books closed. I'll make it back out there sometime. 

My name is Elizabeth

I am thankful for the Lord and His faithfulness. I feel like today, today especially He has been making Himself clear to me. I feel like He has put on my heart a renewed sense of compassion. Today, I mistakenly found myself at the House of Prayer in Ephrata but He encountered me as I prayed in that room and I felt the weight of Him, of the Spirit on me. It was like a pressing down on my forehead, on my face, onto my chest. There was burden, oh, there was such burden as my eyes were opened to the brokenness of the world and the nations. He broke something in me that needed to be crushed. There are still parts of me that need to be broken into bits and pieces; glass that needs to be shattered and obliterated into sand.

I met Melody Green on the street today, along with some friends and she prayed over each of us. She prayed over me and prayed for the name that I want to live up to: Elizabeth. It's strange but this has been a theme for me since January. Living up to my name of Elizabeth. Elizabeth, the woman who knew Mary was pregnant with Jesus. Elizabeth, the woman who was a comforter and told Mary she wasn't crazy. During her prayer for me, Melody said I had a gentleness about me yet a powerful and ferocious spirit. I couldn't help but smile and feel honored that this Messenger was speaking into me and encouraging me in that way. She was right when she said there is a strength in me I have yet to realize. I still don't understand this strength that I have but I must recognize it. Whether I use my voice, my hands, or my feet, I carry the responsibility God has given me to impart His goodness to all those I encounter and meet.

Lord Jesus, bring light to my eyes and peace to my soul. I want to keep on seeing you, keep on hearing you, keep on feeling you. No feeling is final but you are infinite.

"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!" - Luke 1:45

i need to get out and i need to be free. i need to explore. i need to be alone. i need to be with someone. i need to hold a hand. i need clarity. i need a breath of life. i need a vision.

i need to go to sleep. 

It's okay

I have been so M.I.A. lately, not mention super lazy with updating and posting recent work. So much going on in my head these days, trying to figure out paths and adventure and the mundane. Been trying to remember to sit calmly and to remember to be still, to trust. Anyway, just always trying to remember I am blessed with so much. I don't need to have it all figured out right now.

Woke up to the sunlight 

"Shubasaur" (named after my co-worker, Elizabeth Shuba)

Chalking outside with Thi

On another note, will be doing some chalk art for other local businesses in Lancaster. Excited for things to take shape!

tears

crying is so draining yet relieving 

but oh so tiring

so very very tiring 

and a new feel for my eyes 

i just want to close them 

my eyes 

flighty

today a young man described me as "flighty".

he then proceeded to compare me to a leaf and a feather. 

"whimsical," he said.

funny. that was the second time i had run into him at that coffee shop and both times i was preparing to head out the door. 

but for someone i've only briefly met twice, he knows me quite well.

a close friend of mine gave me a charm bracelet with a golden feather. the packaging said the feather represents justice and freedom.

freedom. 

i've been thinking lately. about family, about community, about myself as an independent being. another friend of mine asked me if i've been lonely. yes, of course, i've been feeling lonely. but i'm getting to know me more and more. and i feel free. free in the sense that i can choose to stay in a place or go as i please.

i want to be a wandering cloud. delicate, or? 

art lately

learning to move past the mere state of dreaming and participating in the very act of creating, living, breathing

here are some personal sketches as well as chalk doodads i did for mean cup coffee.

random sketch i did while hanging out at the shop couple weeks ago

original sketch i'd been wanting to chalk

octopus i did a couple weeks ago

just another woman sketch

le materials

and little crazy ol' me

These Poems, She Said

BY ROBERT BRINGHURST

These poems, these poems,

these poems, she said, are poems

with no love in them. These are the poems of a man   

who would leave his wife and child because   

they made noise in his study. These are the poems   

of a man who would murder his mother to claim   

the inheritance. These are the poems of a man   

like Plato, she said, meaning something I did not   

comprehend but which nevertheless

offended me. These are the poems of a man

who would rather sleep with himself than with women,   

she said. These are the poems of a man

with eyes like a drawknife, with hands like a pickpocket’s   

hands, woven of water and logic

and hunger, with no strand of love in them. These   

poems are as heartless as birdsong, as unmeant   

as elm leaves, which if they love love only   

the wide blue sky and the air and the idea

of elm leaves. Self-love is an ending, she said,   

and not a beginning. Love means love

of the thing sung, not of the song or the singing.   

These poems, she said....

                                       You are, he said,

beautiful.

                That is not love, she said rightly.

Robert Bringhurst, “These Poems, She Said” from The Beauty of the Weapons: Selected Poems 1972-1982.
Copyright © 1982 by Robert Bringhurst. 

we soaked up 

in three four time 

one two three

one two three 

fingers

even your 

own ten fingers

are unequal

Jiangxi Province, Nanchang, Anyi Village (2012)

i need to go back to asia. oh, i miss it so.

rambling

i am sure of this curse of
perfectly imperfect timing
impeccable
-----------------------------
it hurt to know
you hurt
that i was floating away
while you made your world
small
me
drifting, drifting, drifting
you
shrinking, shrinking, shrinking
------------------------------
alas, alone
exiled from that world
stranger things, stranger land
a wandering passing stranger

snow blows

Snow Day, 2/3/14

Happy Lunar New Year!

I thought about going outside but then I thought about going outside. It's just cozier in my room, in my house, where I have unlimited access to tea and of course, wifi.

I'm back in the season of reading and it's been a joyful one, thankfully. As of late, some Narnia by Mr. C.S. Lewis, Rimbaud, Rilke, and Christian Wiman, author of My Bright Abyss. Here's a little something from him:

"The greatest tragedy of human existence is not to live in time, in both senses of that phrase."

I'll post some new art later.

Last year, while I was living in China I wrote New Year resolutions for CNY. This year, without all the endless fire crackers and fire works to awaken me from my sleep, this holiday seems especially distant. I really do miss China and almost every crazy moment of that season of life. It only seems right to go back and be in that place again. Creating new memories. Perhaps, I will but for now, no New Year resolutions, no transformations into a horse (I used to think that one day I'd turn into a horse like Animorphs during the year of the horse, my year. It didn't happen when I was 12, guess it won't happen when I'm 24).

Anyway, happy new year. 

painted words of fire

http://thegoodvibe.co/

But I...

A friend of mine with whom I traveled to Cambodia a couple years ago put this as her Facebook status today:

"If you think ministry is just about you and your moment in history, you'll hurt a lot of people. You'll be driven by a power base. You must believe you will never lose anything by giving it all away."

I read it, re-read it, then read it again. How often do we make "ministry" about us without even realizing it? How often have I thought,

Well, if I go there I have to raise support and I hate the thought of relying on others financially at this moment in my life, or, If I go there will I won't really have a community or anyone I know...?

I won't have this...

I won't have that...

I can't do that...

I'm not really sure...

I...

I...

I have then been pulled away from the very purpose of the ministry itself by the greatest distraction - myself. This is true to whether a person leads worship, leads Bible studies, does missions, etc. It's not about me and how I can make it better, or how I can create an awesome worship service. No, it's never about me. 

Lately, I've been thinking and re-thinking my decision to move back to China. I honestly have no idea where I stand on this. One day I don't feel like going anymore, the next day I'm screaming "ADVENTURE TIME!" in my head at the thought of it. One day I'm thinking Cambodia, the next day I'm thinking of getting my Master's degree. Nairobi. Slums. California. Poverty. New York City. No boyfriend ever. Art. Music. What will everyone think of me? Mind jumble! If there's anything that I need prayer in right now it's focus and clear direction. 

So as a reminder to myself: 

~ Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness 

And all these things shall be added onto you

Alleu, alleuia 

Atlanta, GA, 2013 (personal photo)

Our Father

Yours is the Kingdom

Yours is the power

Yours is the glory 

Forever

Amen 

Greece, 2010 (personal photo)

woman

1/2/14

13 Lessons I Learned in 2013

As we celebrate the new year of 2014, I've had some time to think about life in 2013. I spent half of the year in China, exploring, studying Mandarin, and trying not to die in a fatal bus accident or mistakenly eat rat meat on the street. I graduated from college and spent most of the other half of the year working with refugees and immigrants resettling in Lancaster City. I also started working at a cafe, which is something I've just always wanted to do. As cliche as it sounds, I've learned and grown so much this year simply through living life in another country, through working with people uprooted by turmoil, by being in relationship with so many unique souls, and I'm thankful for those 365 days.

Thus, 13 lessons I learned in 2013:

1. Follow your dreams. Travel has become a part of me. Ever since I was 17, one of my dreams has been to fill out my passport by the time I turn 26. I'm 23 and more than half way to realizing that dream. For some, it's an easy feat; for others, it would never cross their minds. For me, this is a huge accomplishment and I've been blessed with a supportive family and community. When I left for China it meant some sacrifices. It meant giving up some comforts, leaving some friendships and relationships, and taking some risks but it was definitely worth it.
(Other dreams consist of running a cafe that helps victims of sex-trafficking, recording an album, marrying an amazing singer/writer/artist with undeniable fashion sense, making musical, athletic babies, traveling the world together... Am I getting carried away here?)

2. Be humble. I've been blessed and I have to remember that. I also haven't seen even a fraction of this world or know nearly as much about one subject as one could. 

3. Be flexible. So my plane landed at the wrong airport and not the one that I'm supposed to be departing from. That plane isn't going to arrive on time so just accept it and move forward (or stay in the same place, rather). Getting angry is not going to make it come any faster. 

4. Friends filter out over time. "People will always let you down." I used to cringe on the inside at the truth but this year proved its relevance. I've been let down and I've let people down. More than that, being abroad filtered out the friendships and people in my life. As harsh as it sounds, the people that have made more of an effort with me are the ones I still keep in contact. I learned it comes with age too.

5. Meet new people. Meeting different people and building relationships is one of the most rewarding parts of life for me. I've met such amazing people over the year - the most memorable people from all over the world have gone out of their way to help me and love me. When I was in China, I traveled alone to another province about six hours away for a weekend trip. I met a few friendly Chinese people on that ride, including a man who helped me off at my stop. He even went so far as to taking a taxi with me to my hotel, paying for my ride, and then walking the rest of the way to his own destination. He knew he would never see me again and that I would never have a chance to repay him yet he did it anyway. 

6. Learning a new language is freaking hard but even more freaking rewarding. Learning Mandarin Chinese is really difficult. It takes a lot of practice, accepting that you are wrong 98% of the time, and dedication. In the end, communicating with the short, cheery lady who sells fruit in the alleyway or the smiling woman in the hole-in-the-wall noodle shop is pretty fun and feeds the hungry stomach.

7. You can learn a lot about the world through the people you meet. I've learned so much about different countries and cities simply through people. In South Africa, "lekker" is the term to use to describe something nice. I have an infatuation with British and Australian accents. German, Finnish, Swedish, Norwegian, and Turkish kids really know how to party in a small city like Nanchang. The Ukraine is home to a wonderful Korean girl who speaks Russian and Ukrainian (one of my best friends from my program!)  Aside from the people I met abroad, my internship in the refugee program allowed me to travel to places like South Sudan, Iraq, Cuba, Nepal, Burma, and the DRC without ever leaving Lancaster. I've been able to listen to stories and talk to some brave and strong individuals, who have left their families and their home countries to start a new life here in the States.

8. Traveling by yourself can be fun.  And also a little stressful. It takes a little more planning sometimes but it's such a thrilling feeling being by yourself on a train where nobody knows you, in a country that's mysterious and totally new. Oh, and that goes with meeting new people too. Go have some fun! Eat scorpion with that traveling British doctor who's also on his own then grab a beer and chat about life! Use those Mandarin skills you've been working on for the last 6 months and have an hour-long conversation with your neighbor about anything! (Warning: Use precaution, of course. Don't be a dumb single traveler.)

9. Don't eat the meat on the street.  I mean, you can if you want to and I'm not saying that it's rat meat but it might be rat meat.

10. It's okay to be alone. It's hard. It's really, really hard to be alone when you just need that someone to talk to and help you process all that gunk in your head. It's even harder when no one is available and you're sitting alone in your apartment not sure what to do because anyone else you do know is half way around the world sleeping.

Rilke puts it well,

“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away... and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast.... be happy about your growth, in which of course you can't take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don't torment them with your doubts and don't frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn't be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn't necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust.... and don't expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”

11. Do what you makes you happy. Art makes me happy. Music makes me happy. Creating with my hands and with my voice will also always be a part of me and I'm so blessed to have others support me. Since I've been home I've had more time to sketch, draw, create and it's been good.

12. Being single is pretty darn great. There's so much freedom and so much development going on. Besides, I was born single. If I were to die single it wouldn't really change much from what was always natural for me since birth. I'm not saying I'm against dating or marriage or any of that good stuff - I'm all for it, I want it too, and I'm a firm believer in romantic relationships. However, there's so much you can do when you're independent and not tied down in any way. Did I mention I plan on moving back to China this summer 2014?

13. Quality time with God is great too. And key. I need prayer time, I need journal time, I need Jesus. He's been my core despite my flaws and crazy life style changes. I'm always going back to him because his love is consistent and I want to continue showing that love to others.

Cheers to 2014