Lately, I've been meditating on several verses from Psalm 68.  

(v. 5-6) 

a father to the fatherless, a defender of 

widows, 

is God in his holy dwelling. 

God sets the lonely in families,

he leads out the prisoners with singing...

(v.9-10)

You gave abundant showers, O God;

you refreshed your weary inheritance.

Your people settled in it, 

and from your bounty, God, you

provided for the poor. 

These aforementioned verses are a reminder to me - Father to the fatherless, bringing the desolate to a homeland, refreshing a weary inheritance. Children of God; Sons and Daughters, no longer slaves to fear or sin. As I have been working with refugees over the last couple years, I am reminded of the fatherless, the widows, the lonely, the prisoners. I am reminded of the longing for safety, peace and a home. And I am reminded of the abundant grace, the provision of the Father, of resettlement in his bounty.

And you, who do you say is the Son of Man?

Yes, my Lord,
I know very well who you are
And where you can be found.

I know very well that you were born
In a town militarily occupied
By the empire of your time.

I know too that one night
You left in a rush
Fleeing Herod's soldiers
Shielded in your mother's arms
Because your good had not yet come...

You are the refugee child
In a foreign country
Who could only return
To the land you longed for
When death struck down the agent of Imperial power.
- Julia Esquivel

Y tu, quien dices que es el Hijo del Hombre?

Sí Señor,
Yo sé bien quién eres
Y en donde estás.

Yo sé bien que naciste
En un pueblo ocupado militarmente
Por el imperio de tu tiempo.

Sé también que una noche
Saliste precipitadamente
Huyendo de los soldados de Herodes
Protegido en los brazos de tu madre,
Porque aún no te había llegado la hora...

Eres el niño refugiado
En un país extranjero,
Que sólo pudo volver
a la tierra añorada
Cuando murió el colaborador del poder imperial. 

Julia Esquivel 

thanks: part iii

Three more things I am thankful for:

13. Wine. Because why not?

14. Honesty. Because it's better for my soul.

15. Risks. Because that's what life entails. 

thanks: part ii

I am a bit behind on this thankfulness project so today I will write out nine things for which I am grateful:

4. Books. I have one tall bookshelf in my room completely stocked, books on my desk, and books stacked and scattered on my nightstand. My house has so many books because my mom and I share a love for reading. My mom is a big inspiration behind why I read historical fiction. She and my dad both have great stories.

5. Classical music. I know I said music in my last post but since I was on the subject of my mom, I must also mention that she is the inspiration behind why I love and listen to classical music. At an early age all of the Krajan kids studied classical piano and for many years. When I was young and not in school I would accompany my mom as she would run errands around town. Every time we got in the van the radio was tuned to NPR and our afternoon car rides were filled with orchestral sounds. Even now when I set my Pandora to Chopin radio I immediately think of my mother and get the feels. Thanks, Mom!

6. Piano. My first instrument, my therapy, my love and for a while, my hate.

7. Swimming. Another love-hate relationship but I have come to love it more now that I am not swimming competitively. I can let my mind wander when I am in the water but it also takes control.  

8. Travel. I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to travel around with my family and friends, but also independently all throughout college. A missions trip to Belize, a summer vacationing in Greece and Vietnam, another summer spent teaching English in Hong Kong and exploring Cambodia, and living in China for a year? I would never take any of those experiences back. I have learned so much, met so many amazing people and have grown from travel.

9. Coffee. I like that taste and I like that it's my job currently. I like the idea and the act of drinking it and I like making it.

10. Bicycles. Running, swimming - they don't compare to the freedom of riding a bike and going 35-40 mph down a hill.

11. Math lovers and nerds. I honestly have always struggled with math but still managed to be placed in the upper-level and advanced math courses. I did those gifted after school math programs and JETS physics competitions but I hate math. I don't know. That's why I majored in a liberal arts degree - no math necessary. But I appreciate people who do love math because they make the world go round and I truly respect those who get it.

12. Holy Spirit. Jesus Christ. God the Father. I am thankful for the Trinity and for my purpose of life. I am thankful for love, beauty and grace.

Thanks

I'm too alone in the world, yet not alone enough 
to make each hour holy. 
I'm too small in the world, yet not small enough
to be simply in your presence, like a thing -
just as it is.

I want to know my own will
and to move with it.
And I want, in the hushed moments
when the nameless draws near,
to be among the wise ones - 
or alone. 

from Rilke, I, 13

This blog is so sporadic, I'm questioning the relevance it actually holds. No, I know the answer to that already but I'll keep on writing if only for myself. So my dear Sister and friend Emily Dao (click on her name to check out her blog) has nominated me for this "gratitude challenge". I suppose this is where I tell social media and all of cyber world three things I am thankful for over the next five days. Here it goes:

1. Music. For the creation of sound that elicit emotions and memories; for it's ability to bring one spiritually deeper, for the way it moves. For the blessing that I am able to make a sound of my own.

2. Autumn. I was born in the middle of October so naturally my heart desires the cool, crisp aroma of fall. The smells are sweeter, the air more breathable, the colors vibrant and captivating. Fall is the reminder that change must occur, that everything must come to an end but it can in the most beautiful way.

3. Grace. Because I can not be thankful enough for redemption; unrelenting forgiveness. Because I need grace every day and need to give grace always.

I guess this means I have to continuous this tomorrow.

here

Here, in my repository of unlived things

Lay visions and dreams that have yet to breathe

For the soul is a place of holding, release

All that is and has yet to be

I write not for approval, not for the hope of affirmation that my words carry weight or any meaning. Rather, I write for the simple joy it brings; for the clarity is bestows upon a clouded heart, a confused mind.

Tonight has been good, good for my spirit, for my soul. I’m thankful for the realization that I have, in fact, been dishonest with myself. Sometimes it takes loneliness and then a friend to evoke the feelings that lay in these bones. But I have been lying to myself. I am not okay with this mere act of breathing, living life with so much unknowing. I thought I found peace in settling here (and I did, for a brief moment) only to find that I am restless and yearn for so, so much more. I can’t help but admonish myself for my own thoughts. Stupid. I feel like I have been so stupid. Of course, I want more! Of course, I need to be free, not confined to an image or idea that I will be happy if I do this or if I hold onto that responsibility. 

The fireflies tonight were phenomenal. Driving through twisted back roads and fields of countryside I saw a million little lights, a million small reminders of beauty. Even though these tiny illuminations were fleeting they are so existent and so very much alive.

The other night I rode my bike in and through the dark, back home from the city and it was the most peace I had felt all day. In solitude, in revelry of stars lighting the black, oil sky, I could breathe again.

We live by night

To see the stars

To grasp the dark

And claim what’s ours

And now, looking back at these short verses I wrote that night I want to change “grasp” to “embrace”. A grasp is so momentary, so sure of the promise of letting go. An embrace seems so much more lasting, even if it ends. In time there comes an ending and it comes to all things. I want to know where my beginnings are but I have been learning so much about endings, about losses and how, I do need to grieve them and allow them to be for what they are. And I am in a beautiful place, an uncharted yet safe place to live freely, courageously and without reserve.

I am guided by a Light, maybe even a Pillar, and a Wandering Cloud.

LA Public Library, 2011. I'll be here so very soon. 

of loss and surrender

yet i, being weak, still hold fast to all that must be let go
loosen this grasp that holds too tightly to what is worth losing
for to see you i must stop searching
to feel you i must start surrendering

i am stuck somewhere inside myself.

Xia Xi, Yunnan, China (January 2013)

grandma

A poem I wrote about my grandmother a couple years ago when the theme of family in Vietnam kept appearing and reappearing in writing. I added more to it just a couple days ago:

Ba noi

I remember when

you would feed me avocados

and rub my back when the pain

was too much to bear

I miss the nights when

you would sit up in your bed

and breathe prayers that were quiet

but I could still hear you

through the boards and

paper thin walls of the house

I still think of the evening

when you wouldn't sleep

because upon my pilgrimage to your home

for the first time, your grandchildren

sat together under the same roof

even after years of unknowing

years of the absence of love

and existence of kin

Upon my leaving

we sat together in the living room

you, me, and the entire village

and I wept

for love could not have radiated

any more than when we prayed

on a grey, rainy afternoon

And though you slept

the night that would be your last

not knowing it would be an endless sleep

the stroke may have taken your body

silently, quietly in slumber

yet it never took your soul